DRRR&J: A Crack Parody
by ScribblinDaydreamer
Summary: Romeo and Juliet, only with Izaya and Shizuo and a mountain of crack. Modernized and edited version of the classic R&J, from the mind of a weird shipper fangirl. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: we started learning R&J at school. So have a shizaya crack parody of Romeo and Juliet. I'm not too familiar with it, but I kinda get the basic storyline, so just roll with it, please. Probable OOCness.

Dramatis Personae:

Romeo – Izaya

Juliet – Shizuo [somewhat. AHAHAHA]

Mercutio – Kida

Capulet – Kasuka

Montague[s] – Kururi & Mairu

Friar Lawrence – Simon

The rest of the characters: fuck them; let's get this show on the road.

'Hey! Heeeyyyy! Kida!'

Izaya and Kida turn to see Erika and Walker tearing down the streets of Ikebukuro, a piece of white paper fluttering in Erika's hand.

'Hey guys!' Kida replies happily as the duo stop to catch their breath. Izaya simply watches with a vaguely curious look.

Erika holds out the slip of paper with a pleading look. 'Kida, you learn English, right? Tell me what it says!'

Kida takes the paper and scans it quickly, Izaya leaning over his shoulder to read the message too.

'It's a party invitation,' Kida surmises, handing the message back. 'Some costume or dress up party at that night club called _Crisis_ tonight. Are you guys going?'

'Uh-huh,' Walker nods with a broad smile. 'Erika, which cosplays should we wear?!'

'I don't know, I don't know!' Erika squeals back. 'Let's go home and plan it out right now!'

They speed away hand in hand in an excited daze.

'Hey Izaya, we should go as well,' Kida suggests with a mischievous look.

'I don't have a costume though,' Izaya replies with a helpless shrug.

'You can rent one or make one or something,' Kida suggests. 'C'mon, it'll be fun!'

'I guess I can take some time out to steal a costume…'

'What?'

'Did I say steal? I meant borrow.' Izaya flashes a sarcastic little grin.

'Right…'

-page break-

'Shizuo, come here,' Kasuka demands in an inflectionless monotone from the kitchen table of his brother's apartment. 'I have a proposal for you.'

'What is it?' Shizuo asks, pulling out a chair and taking a seat across from Kasuka.

'It's time you should change your life a little,' Kasuka suggests, carefully watching Shizuo's reaction with an emotionless stare.

'What do you mean?' the blonde asks cautiously.

'Have you thought about perhaps making some new friends?'

Shizuo huffs. 'Not really. I mean, I'm not exactly a people person, as you already know.'

'You're going to a costume party at that nightclub, _Crisis_, tonight.' There was no question in his voice.

'I don't have a costume.'

'You'll be bartending.'

'…Why?' Shizuo asks reluctantly, but not wishing to disappoint his brother.

'It will keep you there,' Kasuka replies. 'And you kind of have to talk to people in that situation. Socialize. Make friends.'

'…How?'

Kasuka shrugs. 'Smile and give them what they want.'

'Easier said than done,' Shizuo mutters bitterly.

'So you'll go?'

'Yeah… I'll go.'

In response, Kasuka gifts him with one of his rare smiles, however Shizuo still feels uneasy and reluctant about the event.

-page break-

Izaya and Kida rock up at the party, Kida dressed in a cuddly Rilakkuma onesie and Izaya in a white and gold prince costume, complete with a shiny crown and cape. They get stopped in the doorway by a bouncer.

'ID please?' the bouncer asks, looking down at Kida.

'Sure,' Kida grins, flashing his false ID card.

The bouncer nods and glances at Izaya with an unsure look.

'I'm 21 forever, baby!' Izaya says confidently spreading his arms, as if to say JUST LOOK AT ME.

The bouncer waves them through, and they immediately attract a flock of people who gather around them, calling Kida 'cute' and referring to Izaya as 'your highness.'

'I think I like this party,' Izaya comments to Kida with a grin. 'BOW TO ME, HUMANS.'

Most of them jokingly –or drunkenly- oblige, delighting Izaya.

'Hell yeah!' Kida agrees, throwing his arms open. 'FREE HUGS FOR THE LADIES!'

Girls immediately squeal and line up to cuddle Kida in his adorable costume.

Meanwhile, across the room, Shizuo is having a much less pleasant time. He holds a large kitchen knife in his hand, contemplating stabbing himself in the face. People drape themselves over the counter, drunkenly flirting with him while demanding more drinks.

'Hey,' the manager says. 'You have no reason to be holding that knife. Put it away.'

Shizuo gives his manager a tired look through his purple-tinted shades and grabs a bottle of champagne. With a flick of his wrist, he uses the knife to pop the cork out of the bottle, eliciting cheers and whoops from the customers. 'Can't find the bottle opener,' he lies.

His manager raises an eyebrow, but moves on to help serve the other customers.

'Hey, who's that?' Izaya asks a guest dressed as a Pokémon trainer. 'The blonde bartender with the knife skills. Who's he?'

'Oh… hey, that's Shizuo! I didn't know he was around. His brother's some kinda celebrity.'

Izaya smirks and heads over to the bar, deciding he's ready to order a drink.

Shizuo sighs as he notices someone else sit down at the bar. He looks up to see a young man dressed as a prince. 'Yes, what can I get you?'

'I'll have a screwdriver,' his customer replies, an annoying smile plastered on his face.

Shizuo looks around. 'Sorry, we're out of orange juice.'

'I'll just have the vodka half then. Screw me,' Izaya says with a wink.

Shizuo blinks a couple of times. 'Do you actually want a drink?'

'Yeah,' Izaya answers. 'How about coffee on Monday. Can I have your number?'

'No,' is the immediate answer. _Hell no_.

'I'm Izaya by the way,' the princely guest goes on, ignoring his rejection. 'And you?'

'I don't give a fuck,' replies Shizuo, rewarding himself for not committing homicide yet with a free shot of whiskey.

'Aww, c'mon Shizu-chan, why not have some fun?' Izaya mocks him.

'Shizu-chan…?' the blonde suddenly decides he needs another shot of whiskey, and pours it out.

Izaya snatches away his shot glass and drinks the liquor himself, downing it in one gulp.

'You're paying for that,' Shizuo growls with a glare. _I must not kill anyone tonight_.

'How about you let me have that one and I'll pay for your coffee on Monday?'

'No,' the bartender rejects again. _I MUST NOT KILL ANYONE TONIGHT_.

'Hey!' Kida greets, collapsing on the counter next to Izaya. 'Can I have a martini, Mr. Bartender?'

'I know you, kid,' Shizuo says, pushing Kida back with a finger. 'You're not old enough to drink.'

'Damn, worth a shot,' Kida replies, returning to the crowd. 'See ya, Izaya.'

'Can I have a martini?' Izaya asks with sarcastic politeness.

'Are you going to give it to your kid friend?'

'Can't I give it to you instead?' Izaya purrs suggestively.

Shizuo goes silent. The blonde calmly puts down the drinks and glasses, turns around and NOPES THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

'I am so done with this bullshit,' Shizuo mutters under his breath, kicking the door open and beginning to make his way home. 'Jesus fucking Christ.'

-End of Act I-

A/N: AHAHAHAHAH HA HA ... HA... ha... shoot me, I can't make up pick up lines.  
I'm not even sorry for this.


	2. Act II

A/N: change of plans. Shinra is now Friar Lawrence. Deal with it. In this chapter: a balcony scene, a visit to doctor shinra, and marriage. And by marriage, I mean lunch.

Kasuka is gone by the time Shizuo returns home. He takes off his black vest and loosens his tie, stepping onto the balcony to light a cigarette. After taking the first drag of bittersweet toxicity, he allows himself to relax for a moment.

'Izaya is a giant douche canoe,' he complains to himself. 'Fuck that guy.'

'Wouldn't you love to,' a voice echoes upward.

'What the-,' Shizuo glances down to see Izaya waving from 3 storeys down. 'God damn it! What are you, some kind of stalker?!'

'I suppose you could call me a private investigator,' Izaya replies, and to Shizuo's horror, begins to scale the wall with practiced skill and dexterity, his cape swinging and fluttering with his movements.

'What's the difference?' the blonde glares in disgust, now face to face with the creeper.

'Well, I get paid,' Izaya replies. 'But I'll admit, in your case, it's just a personal interest.'

Shizuo hits him over the head with a chair, hoping the fall would kill the obnoxious bastard. Instead, in a split second, Izaya whips out a knife, jamming it between the bricks of the building like a pick axe, using it to hold himself up.

'Damn,' Izaya breathes. 'If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to kill me.' With a graceful movement, he swings himself over the balcony railing to stand beside Shizuo.

Shizuo recoils, preparing to strike Izaya with the chair again.

'Wait!' Izaya protests, holding a hand up.

Shizuo hesitates.

'This is the beginning of a beautiful love story!' the strange prince announces. 'Don't you want to give it a chance?'

'…Can we just be friends?' Shizuo asks doubtfully, thinking back to his brother's request.

'How cruel!' Izaya clutches his chest dramatically, as if in pain. 'But I suppose we can start with that.'

Shizuo nods slowly and unsurely. He didn't like this Izaya character very much, but he has to admit, the guy is more interesting than most people; if somewhat terrifyingly creepy, but it's not like Shizuo can't take care of himself.

'The prince requests an alliance!' Izaya declares with a grin, offering his hand.

'Let's call it a truce,' Shizuo mumbles, shaking the "prince's" hand.

'I pledge loyalty and support to you, Shizu-chan,' Izaya promises comically bowing.

'Jesus fucking Christ, don't EVER call me that,' Shizuo objects, growing frustrated again.

'Too late,' Izaya wags a finger at him. 'I have already made the pledge and it is only in effect under that name. Shizu-chan.'

'IIIIZAAYYAAA,' Shizuo growls dangerously. 'Do not make me kill you, you goddamn fuckstick.'  
'Ah, how sweet it is when you say my name,' Izaya ignores his warning, pretending to swoon melodramatically.

Shizuo puts his head in his hands, willing himself to stay calm. 'I have made a terrible mistake.'

'Well, I think I should go now,' Izaya says, casually jumping onto the balcony railing. 'I'll come back though.'

'Are you seriously going to just show up on my balcony unannounced?' Shizuo asks, looking up.

'Would you open the front door if you knew it was me?'

'…Good point.'

'Goodbye then, Shizu-chan,' Izaya bids, leaning down and planting a kiss on Shizuo's forehead.

Shizuo blushes in confusion. 'What the… did you just…?'

'Friends can do that,' Izaya smirks, stepping off the railing and disappearing into the night.

'Can they…?' Shizuo asks the empty air, still shocked. To be honest, he isn't sure. The thought that he would probably have to learn how friendships work from _Izaya_ of all people, utterly horrifies him.

-page break-

Monday morning comes around and Izaya is dressed in his usual fur trim coat and trousers. He skips into a medical research lab, past the protests of the receptionist and doctors, into a private room.

'Doctor Shinra!' he greets cheerfully.

Shinra swivels around in his white lab coat, readjusting his black-framed glasses. 'Izaya?'

'The one and only,' Izaya replies, taking a seat.

'I'm kind of in the middle of something,' Shinra says, gesturing to the chemicals lined up on his table.

'Will it explode if you stop working on it?'

'No, but-,'Shinra begins.

'Then let's chat for a while!' Izaya pats the seat beside him.

The doctor sighs, walking over and sitting down beside his peculiar friend. 'What's up?'

'I have found a new interest,' Izaya says proudly.

'What is it?' Shinra asks, predicting trouble.

'More like 'who is it', actually,' Izaya corrects him.

'Oh god,' Shinra sighs with a sinking feeling. 'Who is it?'

'His name is Shizu-chan!'

'Shizu-chan?' Shinra tilts his head with a puzzled look, his dark hair falling to one side.

'Well, I call him that,' Izaya admits. 'His name is Shizuo.'

'Shizuo Heiwajima?' Shinra's eyes go wide. 'Are you serious?'

'Oh is that his last name?' Izaya muses. 'Isn't that the name of that celebrity who calls himself Yuuhei… what's his real name again…?'

'Kasuka Heiwajima,' the doctor answers, looking disturbed. 'He's Shizuo's younger brother.'

'Oh man, that guy hates me. After the time I let my sisters 'borrow' him for a day… Are you friends with Shizu-chan?'

'Well, I suppose so… let's just say he seems to have a talent for trouble and I often have to patch him up.'

'Woah, really?'

'He's quite anti-social, though. How did you manage to get to a… nickname basis with him?'

'Oh, it's a long story,' Izaya waves his hand dismissively. 'We met at a club, I climbed onto his balcony, he hit me with a chair, we formed an alliance, blah blah blah. But since you're friends with him, can you help me convince him to spend time with me? We can all go out together, bring Celty too, and it can be a double date!'

'…Come again?' Shinra blinks.

'Just send him a message asking him to hang out or something. He wouldn't agree to come if he knows I'll be there.'

'What kind of friend are you?'

'Well, I'm not really sure if I want to be friends with Shizu-chan…'

'Dear lord,' Shinra mutters, already exhausted from talking to this sociopath.

Izaya snatches Shinra's phone up out of his pocket and unlocks it.

'Hey, what are you doing?' the doctor cries in indignation. '…how do you know my passcode?'

'Nice wallpaper,' Izaya comments casually, quickly flicking past the image of Celty to send a text message.

Shinra looks over his shoulder at the screen and raises an eyebrow. 'You already know his phone number?'

'Of course,' Izaya answers, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. He types out the message:

_Hello __Shizu-chan__ Shizuo,_

_Russian Sushi, 1pm? We should catch up over lunch._

_-Shinra Kishitani _

'Aaaand send!' Izaya clicks the send button triumphantly.

'Izaya, I'm busy today!' Shinra complains. 'My lunch break doesn't even start until 1:30!'

'I know that,' the phone thief replies. 'But you won't be there. Carry on, doctor, carry on.'

He returns the phone to Shinra and skips out of the room.

Shinra sighs and looks down as his phone plays the message tone.

_Shizuo H. has sent you a message: Ok. Fine._

'I just hope he doesn't get mad at me,' the doctor says, sliding the device back into his pocket. 'I may be a doctor, but even I can't afford that much in damage and casualty fees.'

-page break-

'Why the hell are _you_ here?' Shizuo questions, staring down at the shorter man.

Izaya twirls around, his jacket fanning outwards. 'For fun, Shizu-chan, for fun. Let's have lunch.'

Shizuo seems to be thinking hard.

'What? What is it?' Izaya asks curiously, leaning towards the contemplative blonde.

'On one hand,' Shizuo explains, putting out his left hand. 'You're kind of annoying.' He puts out is other hand. 'On the other hand, my brother wants me to be more social.'

'Social?' Izaya tilts his head. 'As in making friends?'

'Easier said than done,' Shizuo mutters bitterly. 'Most people tend to induce homicidal rage in me.'

'Do I?' Izaya asks, pointing to his own smiling face.

'Somewhat. Although I'm also a tad awkward myself,' Shizuo confesses, rubbing the back of his neck.

'I will teach you how to love!' Izaya declares, taking Shizuo's hand and leading him inside the sushi place. 'Now, lunch!'

'What?' Shizuo stumbles after him. 'Wait, is this normal?'

'Holding hands?' Izaya glances back. 'Yes, yes of course!'

'Coming from you, that's probably bullshit,' Shizuo murmurs to himself.

They settle themselves in a booth and order their food, Izaya sitting across from Shizuo and gazing at him intently.

'What?' Shizuo demands defensively.

'Just trying to figure you out,' Izaya leans back and tilts his head.

'By staring at me like a moron?'

'I'm very good at reading people.'

'Oh yeah? What am I saying then?'

'I don't knowww,' Izaya whines. He points a finger accusingly at his 'friend.' 'You're too weird and confusing.'

'…You do see the irony in that, right?' Shizuo raises an eyebrow. 'You stalked me, climbed onto my balcony, swore loyalty to me, disappeared, and then later call me from my doctor's phone even though I never gave you my number?'

'Point taken,' Izaya nods dismissively. 'I just really wanted to be friends…with benefits.'

'What's that?' Shizuo frowns suspiciously.

'Oh my,' Izaya breathes, covering his mouth to hide an adoring little smile. 'It's a certain kind of casual friendship, where we don't have to try too hard to be friends, but are close enough to call at random times to… hang out.'

'Well… that seems,' Shizuo hesitates uncertainly. 'Reasonable.'

Izaya gives him the biggest shit-eating grin he's ever seen. 'Excellent.'

'But if you're just screwing with me, I'm going to beat the shit out of you,' Shizuo threatens.

Izaya bursts into laughter at the blonde's unintentional pun. 'I like you, I really do.'

'Fucking weirdo,' Shizuo mutters.

-to be continued-

A/N: I don't know. This story is derailing at an alarming rate. I need to actually figure things out before I start writing.


End file.
